Why I Hate the Texas RenFest (And Why You Should Too)

On a day I had to go and take an exam in the morning, I should have known that something would be amiss with the plans for the rest of the afternoon, or what we had hoped would only be the afternoon. Kathy and Tim arrived at the house around 11:00 a.m. and we loaded up the Tahoe for a day at the Renaissance Festival.

Since it happeneed to be Emmy's lunch time, we decided to stop at a BBQ place in Tomball before continuing on to Magnolia. We were back on the road around 12:15 p.m. only to meet traffic just north of Tomball. I won't go into too many details but the 10.8 miles (which Kristen was so good to continue reminding me of as the tenths of a mile ticked off her IPhone) took approximately 1.5 hours.

That part of the afternoon was fairly agonizing as each and every car in line jockeyed for position, some even using the suicide lane as their personal highway. Although it sounds completely miserable, there were a few highlights. We were passed by a funeral procession speeding down the suicide lane. We were fairly delirious at this point and laughed about the fact that we thought the people in the procession had hired the officer to get them to the Ren fest faster. I for one thought that the hearse was going to arrive in Plantersville and unload a dozen people dressed in skanky Renaissance faire much like a car full of clowns. Please don't hold the jokes against us God, we were only kidding and had to entertain ourselves some way. If that wasn't enough, Emmy broke the silence in the car as she pushed and pushed and pushed out a poo. We all felt bad for her since the four of us were listening intently to her struggle and then sigh in relief as she passed what we believed to be a monumental poo.

We arrive in Plantersville, make our way onto the property and park on lane 25. By the time we got out of the car, changed Emmy's soiled dipe (a terd about the size of a quarter, nice acting baby...) and walk to the gates, its 2 p.m.

For those of you who have never been to the RenFest, it is a mass confusion of some of the oddest looking and acting people you have ever come across. We joked that no matter what you liked, or what you wore, at the RenFest there would always be someone that looked more ridiculous than you. And many people there take that very nugget of information to heart. Its a place where so many let it ALL hang out, and I do mean ALL...Sure, there are tons of families there, but everything from the dress to the entertainment is not really family oriented. Or, to some, maybe it is...Emmy is small enough that she won't remember a thing...

(Petting zoo #327 of the festival season...but the only one with a giant drugged out donkey!)

We did the important things. Kristen got her apple dumpling and candied almonds.

Kathy bought Emmy a maiden's flower headdress



and I enjoyed an adult beverage. We took in the sights, sounds and experiences that the age of Renaissance had to offer. I laughed when Tim said "I think that some of these people have a very loose interpretation of the Renaissance." So true Tim, so true.

(Scary monkey carousel...as you can see from her face, Emmy was not amused)

But our Renaissance Festival experience was not about the satyr music that my daughter jammed to, nor was it about the Alco-Balls that Kristen's client (who was there) enjoyed with his family, and it definitely was not about the giant Wizard that scared the ever-living-you-know-what out of Emmy (Tony, it's a height thing)...

No, no, no, our RenFest experience can be summed up in two words, eighties rock. Yep eighties rock. For it was eighties rock music that our neighbors stuck in their car, as we were in ours, blared loudly even after Kristen had asked them nicely to turn it down due to our sleeping baby. Eighties rock that the drunk lady from that car dirty danced to outside my car window, so close I felt like smacking her with my door.

Most of the rest of the TWO AND HALF HOURS was spent trying to figure out ways to ruin their parking lot party. We fiddled with the idea of waking up Emmy, screaming and cranky, and then hanging outside in their group. Tim volunteered to get out of the car, infiltrate their area, fart and then just leave. We all really wanted this to happen. We even thought about blaring one of Emmy's kiddo CD's to drown out their music. A little "Home on the Range" jerks! I just wanted to run a couple of them over with my car, but I thought better of that choice. One thing was for sure, they would not get in front of me when we started moving. There had to be a victory. My passive-agressiveness demanded it!

At first we were annoyed. "I don't think I will be coming back." Tim stated. "Who do we write letters too?" Kristen asked. From the poker games on my Blackberry, to the Meet the Fockers DVD in the car, to the drunks, to not moving an inch for more than 2 hours, to Emmy sleeping soundly in her car seat and Kristen's arms and Kathy's arms, the experience of the RenFest blew up right before us. It had taken 1.5 hours to get there (a normal 20 minute trip), we had stayed for 4 hours, and it took us 3.5 hours to get home. Let that sink in, 3.5 hours. Jokingly at 6:15, when we first got into the line, I had asked where we would spend more time during the day, in the car or at the Festival. I never thought I'd be right!

In the waning moments of our stay in the Festival parking lot, Kristen asked "when do you think this will be funny?" Its going to be a while babe, its going to be a while.

(Our favorite thing about the Renaissance Festival...this goat)